Harriet and Pierce find 11 ways to #BreaktheInternet
Thursday, 18 February 2016
Harriet Gillies and Pierce Wilcox took some time out from rehearsing They’ve Already Won to bring you this informative listicle.
1. Apple is forced to hack their own software.
Using a 227-year-old piece of legislation, an accommodating judiciary, and a US distracted by Donald Trump’s hair, the FBI has ordered Apple to build a backdoor into their iPhone operating system that will make it vulnerable to ‘brute force’ hacks – meaning anyone with time and a powerful computer will now be able to get into your phone. This could be the biggest security compromise in the history of portable computing, an act of public suicide by Apple, or a humiliation for the American government that forces a radical shift in the relationship between state surveillance and individual privacy. Something has to break.
2. Someone torpedoes a Google Barge.
It’s like an offshore account, except these are barges that hover off the US coast, packed with servers laden with cloud data. Pull a K-19: The Widowmaker on one of these babies, and the Internet goes plummeting down to Davy Jones’ Locker. That squid-faced motherfucker has never seen a reaction GIF before and he is gonna ink.
3. Susan Sarandon’s Breasts
The patriarchy, AMIRITE?! *scoff*
#hatersgonnahate #sickasspuppies #leavesusanalone
4. A sinkhole opens where the internet lives
The common myth that the internet doesn’t actually live anywhere, like in a literal physical way, is busted when a massive sinkhole in Florida sinks the internet’s townhouse and the Mayor of Florida calls a national holiday of crisis. The state runs out of duct tape after the small Florida town rallies together to make one really long ladder from lots of normal length ladders to put in the hole so that the internet can climb back out and get on with it.
5. Leo wins the Oscar, is actually Meryl Streep
Leo finally wins an Oscar for his harrowing portrayal of trapper Hugh Glass in The Revenant, and when he steps up to the mic, his throat choked with victorious tears, he pulls a perfect latex mask off and reveals he was a Meryl Streep character all along.
Martin Scorcese is only one who’s shocked. Everyone else knew. We pan around the Kodak Theatre. All of the other actors are Meryl Streep too. Christian Bale is Meryl Streep. De Niro is Meryl Streep. You love that Jennifer Lawrence, fuck it, she’s Meryl Streep too. Channing Tatum? Meryl Streep with drawn-on abs. Yep. She’s that good.
6. Al Gore dies
Al Gore keeps telling everyone he invented the internet. This is an obvious lie. The truth is hiding in plain sight. The internet isn’t a thing, it’s a person, because the greatest computer of all is the human brain. Al Gore’s brain. One day he’s gonna have the mother of all strokes and there goes your precious internet. His final words will be, ‘You got to be President, George, but I got to kill the internet, and I only had to die to do it.’
7. Too Many Hunks
8. All of the Nigerian princes were telling the truth.
Every Nigerian prince who wrote asking you for $100,000 to reclaim their birthright comes home at once. The weight of their debts combined with their competing claims plunges Nigeria into economic calamity and civil war. The US intervenes, and the rest of the world follows. Brushfire conflicts between the other sub-Saharan African nations escalate into proxy wars when major powers offer their support, creating an Africa-centric Second Cold War.
9. Farmer John eats the Strawberry.
All of the electrons in motion in the internet put together weigh 30 grams – as much as a strawberry. This is a real strawberry. It lives in the back pocket of South Dakota farmer John K. Rickety’s third favourite pair of comfy stone-washed denim jeans. He’ll be tending his crops one day, mouth watering in that dry Dakota heat, and he’ll reach into that back pocket and – what’s this? A lovely little strawb, only a bit squashy from being sat on, but John K. Rickety’s no stranger to a hint of squash. He pops it in his dry, yawning gob. One chew. Two. He swallows. That’s it. Farmer’s full. Internet’s gone.
10. Taylor / Kanye sex tape
In the pop scandal of a lifetime, it turns out all the shit that Kanye has been saying about T-Swizzle on his new album is, like, literally totally all true. The pair are revealed to have been having an affair on and off for the last decade since they first met in the Mickey Mouse Club as aspiring teen performers. A sex tape is released that really isn’t at all what you might expect from the pair going off the personas that they have in the public sphere. Like, not at all. Not. At. All.
11. Superglue + Macbook = No Mo Internets
A superhero villain kind of guy does a santa-like-feat and superglues everyone’s laptops shut in one single night. Due to lack of use, the internet rusts over and eventually implodes into a rusted shell of the man that it used to be. Internet Rust become a popular garage rock band name.